Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Hair Gel
by ConfusedStarfish
Summary: Terra Panasonicplaystationsony, is your average teenage boy trying to become a Keyblade Master. BUT HE'S ABOUT TO FIND OUT, that becoming a Keyblade Master isn't all it's 'keyed' up to be!  Crack-fic


_**Author's Note: Unlike my last story, I actually tried on this one... **_

_**So it'll probably suck.**_

_**P.S. I OWN NOTHING!**_

_**Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Hair Gel**_

"Now, Terra and Aqua" Eraquas starts.

Both Terra and Aqua face him. Terra with a strong look of confidence, and Aqua with humble willpower.

"The two of you will face each other in combat. But remember, this isn't a battle. For when two warriors... um... battle. It shows their true nature. Now battle." Eraquas says, finishing his contradictory statement. Terra and Aqua then both turn to face each other.

"Don't worry Aqua, me and my mullet will be sure to go easy on you. Since, I realize you're a girl and are unable to grow out a-"

"!" Aqua screaming while dashing towards him, to attack.

Ohhhh, no." Terra mumbles to himself right before she strikes.

Aqua then begins to brutally destroy Terra. A dust cloud formed around the two keyblade masters which made it incredibly difficult for anybody to see what was going on. But you could hear Terra's girlish screams, coming out of the cartoon-like dust cloud and assume who was winning. The dust clouds disperses and you see Aqua, holding up her keyblade in victory, while standing on top of Terra. Whose face was currently planted on the floor.

"Aqua wins." Eraquas states, with no surprise in his voice.

Aqua then jumps off of Terra, and runs over to Ven to celebrate, as Terra struggles to get up.

"... But I don't understand. My mullet was perfect. Sculpted in the image of Bill Ray Cyrus himself!" Terra exclaims, to himself.

Eraquas replies with, "Terra, you cannot rely solely on your mullet. You must find the balance between a mullet and a buzz-cut." Xehanort scoffs at Master Eraquas' remark, as Terra begins to leave. As he exits out of the building, he spots Master Xehanort leaning against one the walls next to the exit.

"Terra?" Xehanort asks as Terra begins to pass by him.

Terra stops. "Yes, Master Xehanort?"

"May I have a word with you?"

"I'm actually in a bit of a rush. I'm trying to-" Terra says while leaning forward to leave.

"OH TERRA!" Xehanort interrupts, while stopping Terra's movements by placing his arm on his shoulder. "My dear old pupil Eraquas is such a fool! He doesn't understand the power of the mullet! Please Terra, could you possibly meet me at the Keyblade Graveyard, so that we may go into further discussion?" Xehanort pleaded.

Terra brushes Xehanort's hand off of his shoulder. "Master, I'm kind of busy at the mo-"

"OHH! I CAN FEEL MY OLD BONES DYING! IF ONLY SOMEBODY WOULD PAY ATTENTION TO OLE PAPA XEHANORT!" Xehanort yells, while over dramatically crying and covering his face in his hands.

"Okay, Master Xehanort! Don't cry! I'll go!" Terra replies frantically, hoping that it would calm down his prehistoric looking teacher.

"Great! Meet me at 5!" Xehanort replies cheerfully.

_ ...At the Keyblade Graveyard._

Terra lands his space traveling motorcycle on a cliff in the overly dramatic desert planet. He looks around and spots Xehanort who is facing towards the scenery around the cliff. Then Xehanort begins speaking "It's a shame," he looks up towards Terra.

"It's a shame that you didn't get promoted to Keyblade Master. I mean, your mullet was spot on. Perfection."

"But, Master!" Terra speaks out. "Eraquas told me to learn how to balance my mullet power!"

"Oh, Terra! He only says that because he fears the mullet! Because he knows that he could never grow such a mullet!"

"...What?" Terra says, with a mixture of shock and confusion in his voice.

Xehanort continues. "You see Terra, the heart is full of darkness, but the light of the heart is full of darkness, but the light of the heart can consume the light of the darkness. But only the light of the hearts of darkness can consume the light of the Keyblade of Hearts."

Terra suddenly looks down, in shock. "Of, course. I see what I must do now."

"...Are you f*cking serious? I just made that all up on the spot." Xehanort states flatly. "OH! I mean, err... Yes, Terra! Now you know what you must do!" Xehanort says taking back his previous statement.

"... It's all clear to me now. I must kill John Lennon." Terra says, zombie-like.

"WHAT? THIS ISN'T CATCHER IN THE F*CKING RYE! KILL VENTUS AND AQUA!" Xehanort yells.

"...Kill the phonies." Terra says blankly.

"Yes, yes. Kill the phonies. Kill Ventus and Aqua!"

"Kill the phonies." He repeats.

"Yes, now go."

"Kill the phonies."

"...Get out." Xehanort spats out, while face palming.

Terra then summoned his space traveling motorcycle, a flies off to go 'kill the phonies'.

"FOOL! Once I get Ven and Aqua out of the way. It will be easy to obtain Terra's mullet for myself! Come Vanitas! We have much planning to do!" Xehanort say excruciatingly evil and unnecessarily loud.

_ ...Back at The Land Of Departure._

We see Ven and Aqua outside of Eraquas' building. Aqua is practicing her keyblade wielding. While Ven sits on a large rock a few feet away, polishing his keyblade.

"So then I said, the friendship of love of the heart of the cards..." Ven begins, but before he could continue his incredibly cheesy story, him and Aqua were distracted by a faint "HEY!" from the distance. Then they both look to see Terra running towards them.

"Ven! Aqua! I need to ask you guys something." Terra says while catching his breath.

"I love flowers, smiles, and the laughter of little boys," Ven says with wide eyes and a huge smile planted across his face.

"Yes, Ven We all realize you're a pedophile. But I-"

"I'm fifteen!" Ven cries out defensively.

"Like I said. We know. Anyways, I was wondering if either of you have ever heard of a man named John Lennon?" Terra asks.

"Well, of course! He's the king of Hipster World. It's right across from Troll 2 Islands." Aqua replies cheerfully.

"Must. Kill. Phonies." Terra says while turning to leave. But, he is shortly interrupted by Aqua.

"Terra. Me and Ven were talking, and we think-... We think you should cut off your mullet."

"WHAT?" Terra replies in utter shock.

"It's just too powerful to control, Terra!" Ven adds in.

"And Master Eraquas says, if you cut it, he'll consider making you a Keyblade Master!"

Terra looks down in shock. Ven and Aqua look at each other and then look back to Terra. Aqua gets ready to say something, but is interrupted by Terra.

"How?... How could you guys ever insult my mullet? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!" Terra screams.

"Of course we're friends!" Ven says. "We just thought that-"

"NO YOU DIDN'T THINK. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS, VEN. JEALOUS THAT I COULD GROW A MULLET AND YOU COULDN'T!" Terra yells, at a surprisingly high pitch.

Hearing this, Ven immediately starts crying hysterically and runs off.

Aqua then jumps in front of Terra and says "Terra! Just try to calm down and-"

"NO, I WON'T! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE!"

"Terra, please!"

"WE'RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE!" Terra begins crying uncontrollably, while summoning his space motorcycle**(A/N: Really Squeenix? A space motorcycle? Virtual Facepalm.)**. He then hops on his space-motorcycle and flies away from the planet, while continuing to cry like a little bitch.

Aqua the hesitates wondering if she should follow Terra or Ven. But, she decides to find Ven, since he wasn't acting like a total douche.

"...Interesting." Xehanort says watching everything that had just happened in a near-by bush. "Terra isn't going to kill his Ventus or Aqua. But him killing their friendship, has ended up hurting them even worse. Don't you agree Vanitas?"

Vanitas in the neighboring bush, mumbled something through his mask, while shaking his head 'no'.

"Well, who gives a f*ck what you think anyways! You can't even speak! You're practically a minor character! Hell! I think Tron has a more important role in this game than you!" Xehanort states with anger in his voice.

Vanitas mumbles angrily in response.

_...Back in Space._

Terra is flying through space on his motorcycle. Hysterically crying, he pulls out his iHeart, and logs into Facebook. He quickly goes through his friend list and removes Ven and Aqua. He then loudly snorts, while wiping away his tears. He then continued on his journey to find Hipster World, still, crying like a little bitch.

_... Back at The Land Of Departure._

"Ven, come quick!" Aqua calls out, attempting to get Ven's attention.

"What?" Ven asks.

"This is serious. Terra... He, he removed us on Facebook." Aqua says turning to Ven.

"No." Ven says, tears forming in his eyes. "PLEASE! Tell me... TELL ME IT ISN'T TRUE!" He continued in borderline hysterics.

"It is."

"Quick! Check Myspace!"

"... Who the hell uses Myspace anymore? What are you Ven, a 10 year old girl?" Aqua asks, with hints of annoyance.

"...I like friendship."

... Back in space.

"Must. Kill. Phonies." Terra say robotically, while preparing to land on Hipster World.

_~ Will Ven and Aqua be able to stop Terra before he kills John Lennon? Who is Vanitas, the mysterious boy behind the mask? Will Xehanort's master plan to get Terra's mullet succeed? And will Terra ever stop being such a douche?_

_Find out on the next chapter of BIRTH BY HAIRGEL!_

**Author's Note: Whoop, whoop! I'd been meaning to post this for some time, now. I'd like to continue it, but I'm having writer's block at the moment and I'm in the middle of trying to write a more serious fanfiction. So, let me know if you like it, and I'll attempt to push through my writer's block to get you guys a chapter two! **

**P.S. Take note, the last paragraph is 10x funnier if you imagine the Dragonball Z narrator saying it. XD**


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